you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
