Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
