i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
