Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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