We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
