I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
meet me or not, i'm out of control
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
