he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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