so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
