Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
