non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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