Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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