The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
