new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
party gras won. party gras always wins.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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