my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
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