can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
