the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
