remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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