the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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