ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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