Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
