girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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