I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
