I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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