She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
