so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He keeps bees of course he's weird
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
