My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
