You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
