You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
