Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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