i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
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I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
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I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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