Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
