I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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