This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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