the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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