and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
