Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
