How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
