Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
