oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
