it was like having sex with a tree stump
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
