I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
