The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
