I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
