I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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