The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
