Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Pooping to opera.
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