I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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