Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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