When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
