so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
