Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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