if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
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