I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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